A list of thoughts from my eleventh month of being a mother.
It’s getting so much harder to do these monthly thoughts (or to do anything, really). She is SO busy all the time. And if she sees a screen then it’s basically all over. I basically can’t work on my computer around her anymore. Why are babies so obsessed with screens? It doesn’t matter if I was doing our taxes, she’d watch my computer screen like it was an alternate ending to Game of Thrones.
It’s been so fun watching her discover new foods and develop serious love for some of them. This girl is obsessed with pizza. She had a whole piece and I tried to take it so I could cut it up into smaller pieces and she screamed at me. Like seriously screamed. She sounded like that mermaid egg in Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire (I do realize that reference is a deep cut but it’s the most accurate so I’m going with it).
She has real opinions like a real person now. The other day she was trying to play with our Roomba and when she wasn’t looking Ben moved it. When she went back to play with it and it was gone she freaked out. So apparently she has become super attached to the Roomba? I wonder if she thinks it’s a third dog…
My body is still so different than it used to be. Not just weight-wise but like, my joints hurt more. My legs cramp up. Things just hurt all the time. Pregnancy messes you up for a long time, apparently.
We discovered she loves Ritz crackers but she also really loves blueberries, so we started doing tests to see which one she’d choose first (Ritz crackers won). This is how we entertain ourselves now. I think I feel sad about it.
We spent our first night away from Leo this month! I had spent a couple nights away from her while Ben was with her, but this time we both left and she stayed with Grandma. I missed her but also I liked sleeping until 10am.
She only wants to play with things that aren’t toys. I know this is normal but it’s still so weird to me. Her current favorites are Ben’s shoes, the dogs’ water bowl, a cardboard box, and the Roomba.
I still hate breastfeeding.
We’re starting to have to actually parent and tell her no and it’s so weird. Whenever I tell her no she stops and looks at me like “I think you misspoke, you meant to say I’m amazing and can do whatever I want.” And then she continues to do the thing I told her no about.
The whole concept of discipline is absolutely terrifying to me. Is there some type of parenting strategy where I never have to discipline her and she still turns out to be a good, kind, functioning adult?
I’m really tired of people saying “Oh I bet she’s teething!” when she’s chewing on a toy or sucking on her finger or putting things in her mouth. She’s been doing that since she was 4 months old and she’s almost a year and still has no teeth so I’m pretty sure there’s no correlation. I think babies just chew on things.
Leo has become incredibly selective of who she gives kisses to and how often she gives them. The dogs get about 500 kisses a day. Her cousins get 40 kisses in a row every time she sees them. Her reflection gets a kiss every time she sees it. I get a kiss maybe three times a week. Ben gets kisses never. Whenever he asks for a kiss she cackles and turns away. I don’t understand her hierarchy of kiss-giving.
When you have anxiety, there is no such thing as “mother’s intuition.” My intuition tells me that she’s dying and I’m dying and the dogs are probably dying and also our house is about to burn down. It really bothers me when people say “Well just trust your gut!” We literally do not have the time or money or health insurance for me to trust my gut.
Leo’s confidence is astounding to me. She is certain that she can walk by herself everywhere. She is also certain that she can swim. And climb all the things. And use a knife. She is very sure of herself and I hope she never loses that.
Changing her diaper is like an Olympic sport.
I can’t watch the same shows and movies I used to. I used to watch all sorts of shows about crimes and serial killers and things but now it all freaks me out so much. And any time a kid is hurt or killed or missing- ugh. I can’t do it. I don’t think it affected me as much when she was a baby, but now that she’s getting bigger and more independent I’m realizing there will be a day when I have to send her out into the world but I DON’T WANT TO because according to Law & Order EVERYONE IS A MURDERER.
I’ve realized I have a lot of thoughts about the phrase “good girl” or “good baby”. I know it’s a very innocuous phrase that people use (and I even catch myself using it sometimes). Good is a word that can mean so many things, so I get why people use it. But when people say “Oh is she going to be a good baby today?” I think to myself, what would make her good? If she’s quiet? If she doesn’t scream? If she does scream does that mean she’s no longer a good baby? Sometimes when people ask if she’s a good baby I say “Yes she’s very good at being a baby.” I get that this is a very normal phrase and people don’t mean anything by it and I’m never angry when people say it, I just think I want to be very intentional about never using those words with her. She doesn’t need to think she’s good or bad. She is a baby. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she’s quiet. It is what it is. I don’t want her to associate having feelings with being “bad” and I don’t want her to associate pleasing other people with being “good”. Kids are not inherently bad. They might make poor choices, but it’s usually because they have feelings they don’t understand, not because they’re “bad”. I have a lot of thoughts about this.
I am still wholeheartedly against mom guilt. And I think everyone should be. It’s a really great way to live.
The fact that I am going to have a one year old in a few weeks is seriously freaking me out. I didn't "just have a baby", I'm like someone's mom now. It's so weird.