I Don't Think You Get It

I'm sad today. But I don't know if you really get why. I don't think very many of you understand how deeply some of us are hurting today. This is not a normal election, it's not that we're sad our candidate lost or we're unsure of the politics of our new president. This is unlike any other election we've ever had. We're worried for our gay friends, our black friends, our Muslim friends. We're worried that our government is going to encourage hatred or at the very least turn a blind eye to it. We're worried that sexual assault victims will continue to be shamed because now there's a presidential precedent for it. We're afraid that if we gain weight it's now ok to publicly mock us on Twitter for being fat. But most of all, for me at least, today marks one of the most disappointing days of my life. Again, not because we don't like our president or because we disagree with him. But because we realized our entire nation isn't what we thought it was. I am totally and completely disillusioned with our country. And it's heartbreaking to me. I love America. I have always believe that it stood for truth, for good, for the love of others. And today I'm realizing that's simply not true. Fear and hatred won out. And it's hard. And it's sad. I'm going to be honest, I'm also feeling disappointed by my Christian family, by the church as a whole. I want to be clear- I know many good Christian people that voted for Trump. It made me sad and I don't understand it, but I believe many of you who did, did so with the best of intentions. I don't question your faith or your careful thought. But it still hurts me. Because to me, I genuinely do not understand how you can side with someone who is so full of hate and lies and cruelty. He has admitted to and joked about sexually assaulting women. I am now supposed to think this man will keep me safe, my country safe, other women safe. That's hard for me to understand. Again, I don't question your Christianity, I don't question your love for the Lord or for others, but I genuinely don't understand how or why you made the choice you did. And it's hard. And it's sad. So many people are saying to get over it, that it's over and done, that we need to support him now that he's elected. But I just don't agree. I cannot simply get over the fact that we've allowed this man to lead us.

One of the things I struggle with most is how I seem to be on the complete opposite side of so many people I love and respect. I understand (and completely respect) having separate political beliefs. I think it's important and necessary. But to believe SO differently about a person's character than so many other Christians-- Am I wrong? Are they wrong? Are both of us wrong to a certain extent? Is it really ok to support a man who has said such awful, ungodly things in public? How can people I love and admire be ok with that? I just honestly don't understand. I'm trying to, I really am. I want to! But so far I can't. And it just makes me overwhelmingly sad. I feel like an outcast, a pariah among the church. That I am somehow lesser for my desire to stand up for what I believe, that I should keep quiet and join the crowd, that I'm being divisive and un-Christian by speaking up. And I feel very alone. Am I? Am I wrong? Is Jesus not who I thought he was? Does he not stand for what I thought he did? Is it ok to put a cruel man in power because we agree with him on some issues? Should we put ourselves and our families' safety before the safety of immigrants and refugees? Do we not need to stand up for the voiceless because we don't agree with their lifestyle? Can we really ignore such terrifying character flaws? I'm not being sarcastic, I'm not being sardonic. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad or guilty for their choice. I am just genuinely struggling through this, through what I thought I knew to be true. And I don't understand. Honestly, today has been one of the biggest faith struggles I've ever had. People are saying God has answered their prayers with Trump, that God made his choice. That's not untrue. But what about my prayers? What about the prayers of the people that are afraid they're getting deported as soon as he's instated? What about the prayers of the sexual assault victims who were terrified of being reminded of their assault day after day by a President who has made light of it? Were we on the wrong side of this? Is this really what God wants? How could I have been so wrong? I genuinely don't understand. I'm not really angry, maybe a little bitter, but for the most part, I am genuinely confused. And sad. Because I don't get it. I don't get how people can be ok with this. I'm not trying to be dramatic or inflammatory, I just honestly don't get it. I want to reiterate that none of this is meant to be a judgment of anyone who has or will now support Trump. I know you probably did not do so easily and I don't question your faith or your love for minorities or the outcasts. I really don't. But I am wholeheartedly struggling through this, struggling to understand what happened and why. And where I fit in. Because right now I have no idea. So please, for the sake of those of us who are hurting deeply, down to our very core, don't tell us to get over it, don't say we're being dramatic or sore losers. It's so much more than that. Give us grace and give us time and space to figure out what's next for us, how we move on, how we rejoin families and churches who we feel have let us down, and how we continue to protect and stand up for those who can't themselves. Because it's going to be a long, hard road. And it won't be easy.